The Lone Ranger was arrested in Lone Pine, California for the
crime of illegally transferring silver bullets. The famed masked man had just
apprehended an armed felon after shooting the gun out of his hand. As was his
practice for the last eighty years, he gave a silver bullet to the outlaw’s
victim.
She was a kindly old widow who was robbed and held captive by the
desperado. This lady, grateful that her life and property were restored,
treasured the silver bullet as a symbol that justice was done.
The trouble started when she showed the bullet to her weekly
garden club. Upon seeing the gleaming memento, one lady fainted. Another lady
gasped that they were all going to die. A third lady, who was also a member of
CHA (California Hysterics Anonymous), warned that where there was a bullet
there had to be a gun. During the shocked silence an attendee desperately
summoned the Sheriff on her cell phone.
When the Sheriff heard their story he struggled to stifle a laugh.
He knew the old gentleman on the big white horse. He also appreciated how many
criminals the Lone Ranger had captured over the years. However, since
California voters passed Proposition 63, he had to uphold the law.
Predictably, he found the masked man enjoying a beer at the Dry
Gulch Saloon back in town.
“Thanks for helping old widow Smith,” he said, “but did you really
give her a silver bullet?”
“Yes,” replied the Lone Ranger, “after all that’s my
trademark. Got a problem with that?”
“Well, yes,” hesitated the sheriff. “Ya see – under Proposition 63, you’ve got
to be a licensed firearms dealer to give anyone a bullet.”
“Are you kidding?” asked the Lone Ranger.
“Wish I was,” said the embarrassed sheriff, “and to boot whoever receives the
bullet has to be registered with the Department of Justice.”
“Holy guacamole!” exclaimed the masked man. “Did I do anything else wrong?”
“Well,” said the sheriff, looking even more sheepish now, “there’s the little
matter of you shooting a gun out of the outlaw’s hand.”
“What!” said the Lone Ranger? “If I hadn’t done that, the skunk would have
plugged me for sure.”
“I know that,” admitted the Sheriff, “but he’ll probably sue you for failing to
retreat and using unnecessary force. If they convict you, they’ll take your
six-shooters away for good. Which reminds me, according to California law; your
pistols have too large a capacity. If I were you, I’d convert those
six-shooters into five-shooters as quick as you can.”
“Jumpin’ Junipers!” exclaimed the Lone Ranger. “I’d better tell this to my
faithful Indian companion, Tonto.”
“Hold on,” said the Sheriff. “I need to remind you that Indians are now
referred to as Native Americans. We privileged male palefaces have got to
remember that.”
As the Lone Ranger sat in shocked silence, the sheriff explained his rights and
proceeded to take him in.
Postscript: Upon being provided an attorney at state expense, the
outlaw successfully sued the Lone Ranger. He claimed that he could no longer
work since he had suffered the permanent loss of his trigger finger. Governor
Gavin Newsom urged imposing the maximum sentence for possession of illegal
ammunition and a firearm that exceeds lawful capacity. He received a huge
monetary award, forcing the Lone Ranger to sell the silver mine.
Tonto was deemed innocent but victimized by virtue of being a
member of an oppressed minority. He was given land by the state and now
operates a very profitable casino.
After getting out of jail, the Lone Ranger could not find a job
since he was now an ex-con. Fortunately, Tonto lets him do light janitorial
work at the casino and sleep in the basement.
Following the passage of Proposition 63, violent crime in California has
steadily increased. Governor Newsom advises troubled property owners to protect
themselves by posting signs that say: "Keep out—Gun Free Zone".
