Smokehouse Fables

"This Little Piggy Stayed Home"

Swineville is a quiet town with nice residents, for the most part. One of the local homebuilders, Porcine Construction (PC), entered into contracts to build homes for three residents of Swineville. The first contract was for a bungalow built of straw; the second was for a ranch built of sticks and the third contract was for a colonial built of bricks. The straw homeowner, Barney Frankfurter, did not have any money so he and his friend printed some and gave it to PC. The stick homeowner, Barry Hambone, was a union organizer and he did some favors for Mayor Hogg who got him a 10% down payment grant from a local government program run by the Nutty Acorn Group. He borrowed the rest from a government program called the Swineville Reinvestment Act. The brick homeowner, R. Paul O’Ribs, was a farmer and the owner of Lupus Control Inc. He was a frugal fellow who had saved up for many years so he put 50% down and got a loan for the balance from First National Piggy Bank.

Swineville did have some residents who struggled to get along with their neighbors. One of the peskier residents was Mr. B. B. Wolf. B.B. was a bit of a bully and tended to prey on others and, every once in a while, a resident would disappear. Sgt. Oinker of the Swineville Police Department baited some traps with bacon in an attempt to lure and capture the culprit but to no avail.

B.B. was following the construction projects closely. PC finished the straw house in one day; took two more days to build the stick house and twelve days for the brick house. B.B. showed up at Barney’s straw house the night he moved in and he howled, “Let me in or I’ll blow your house down.” Barney figured his new house was safe from B.B. so he said, “Not by the hair of my chiny, chin, chin (swine talk for “take a hike.”) B.B. took in a breath and blew the straw house down and ate Barney and Barney’s friend, Bruce. Moral: Doesn’t take much to destroy anything built on printed money.

Three days later, B.B. showed up at Barry’s new stick house. B.B. knocked on the door and curled, “Let me in or I’ll blow your house down.” Barry, was a community organizer, lawyer and a union man and he was not about to put up with B.B. threats. He grabbed the phone to call the union hall, but, in the meantime, B.B. drew in a bigger breath and blew the house down and ate Barry and his girlfriend, Hillary Porkchop. Moral: Better to recognize a threat and take a hike than count on government programs, community organizers and a porkchop girlfriend.

Two weeks later, B.B. showed up at R. Paul O’Ribs house and rang the doorbell. R. Paul, who occasionally appeared in supporting roles at the local community theatre, looked through the peephole and said, “B.B., I hope you're feelin lucky today.” B.B. exclaimed, “I’m going to blow your house down and eat you.” He took a big breath and blew and nothing happened. Well, something happened right after that. R. Paul opened the door and blasted B.B. with his shotgun. R. Paul’s wife, Sarah, was backing him up with her .30-06. Moral: you can count on government programs, printed and borrowed money and community and union organizers to create the appearance of security and safety. But TheFundamentals of a frugal life; a house built with at least some saved money; a loaded shotgun and a good partner watching your back are more reliable.

The Swineville Gazette has asked us to notify readers that it is working on these related stories:

Rev. Jesse Hotdog demands investigation of hate crime charges against R. Paul O’Ribs.

Congresswoman Nancy Piglosi introduces legislation to upgrade all stick and straw buildings. Swineville Gazette has just learned that her husband recently purchased the Porker Brick Company and a minority interest in Porcine Construction.

Mayor Richard Hogg encourages all citizens to voluntarily turn in their guns before a new city ordnance outlawing ownership of guns take effect. Sgt. Oinker will distribute whistles to citizens to blow for help.