The Coming Long Awaited Program

Mr. Obama has just completed a listening tour of the Midwest. His aides have stated that the tour was a great success. Mr. Obama spoke repeatedly to his audience about all the difficulties he has had to face since becoming president and how he and his staff and appointees and the millions of federal employees and all their private sector supporters have worked diligently for the people. He also stated that change is coming. That change takes time and that he had a very special announcement that was specifically thought up just for this listening tour. He announced that he would be bringing forth a plan for a program to deal with everything that has not yet been dealt with. He announced that this plan would, from this moment on, be referred to as The Coming Long Awaited Program or simply, “The CLAP”.

Now he cautioned his audience during the listening tour that The CLAP was going to infect and affect all Americans. It was actually being developed in secret government circles as he announced it and the full ramification would not be felt until he got back from vacation and could be much more specific. However, the white house press corps that accompanied Mr. Obama on his listening tour was, nevertheless, excited to know that the government was going to be working on a new program with such wide reaching impact. Here is how Brian Williams of NBC News reacted: “Oh, golly gosh Mr. President you are just so cool. Just think you are working all the time for all of us, even as you prepare for vacation. Can’t you just give us a couple of the key effects that The CLAP will have for all the poor Americans still looking for a job and trying to make ends meet? Please.”

Obama clearly was deeply touched by the insightfulness of Williams concise questioning. He paused seriously for a moment and said, “Brian, let me just tell you that when my fellow Americans get The CLAP they will no longer be concerned about whether or not they can pay their mortgage of keep the lights on. The CLAP will have that significant an impact on their lives.”

Now, not to be outdone, Bob Schieffer of CBS News, one of America’s most preeminent, thoughtful and incisive analysts held up his hand, waving furiously and almost interrupted Mr. Obama by saying, “Mr. President, this is wonderful news. Will Tim Geithner and Ben Bernanke also be involved in spreading The CLAP around?” Well, it appeared now to Mr. Obama that he had better be moving on or these fools; er, these insightful news people would want him to give all sorts of details about The CLAP and he knew darn well that no one had really figured out anything new to do about the mess he inherited much less made much worse. He knew that The CLAP was just one more delaying tactic but he couldn’t show to these dimwits that all it would be is some more spending and a few pretend savings to keep the republicans at bay. But, he had to say something. “Bob, he started, Tim and Ben have been working night and day to make sure that all aspects of The CLAP are carefully thought through. They have actually introduced The CLAP to their own families and neighbors and the early returns are amazing. It appears that once you get The CLAP you cease to worry about almost anything else. Ben and Tim are big supporters of spreading The CLAP around.”

Now Obama is thinking let’s get out of here before one of these dopes asks me why I’m going on vacation when I could be spreading The CLAP around and he almost makes it to the bus steps when the hard hitting, never pull a punch Anderson Cooper says, “Oh Mr. President, thank you for this listening tour and all the important information you have listened to while talking to us but let me ask you just this one question, please.” “Oh, okay Anderson but this is the last question because I’ve got to get going and do some more listening. What is it?” “Well, Mr. President, will the republicans go along with The CLAP and spreading it all over the place?” Obama, paused thoughtfully and then said, “A lot of republicans are already into The CLAP. And the congressional black caucus has told me that they will be glad to meet with those rambunctious new tea party folks in the congress and make sure that they get The CLAP. So, I think you will find that the republicans will spread The CLAP around just as much as my CLAP infected friends in the Democratic Party. Nancy Pelosi said that she would make it her personal mission to make sure that John Boehner gets The CLAP.

With that closing comment, Obama boarded the bus and thought, cripes; I still got another 500+ days of this crap and then four more years. Yee gods. These dopes will buy anything.