Managing the Bureaucrats

The title is tongue in cheek.

If you are a bureaucrat, and golly gosh have we got a ton of them, you are in one of two camps on the title issue:

Camp One – your bureaucracy has reached the optimum size where manageability is no longer a concern – no longer an issue – not even discussed.  When a bureaucracy reaches optimum size no one is responsible – there is no accountability – even the lowest bureaucrat in the bureaucracy fears no one because no one has a clue what he/she is doing; is supposed to be doing; they don’t even know why that person was hired.  The only thing anyone in Camp One bureaucracies care about is – is someone making more money than I am?  Camp One bureaucracies have achieved bureaucratic nirvana.

Examples of Camp One Bureaucracies, please –

·         US Department of Defense

·         US State Department

·         CIA

·         IRS

·         Department of Justice (here we have an example of Camp One bureaucratic humor – the appropriate name would be:  Department of Injustice)

·         Environmental Protection Agency (ditto as to use of the word “protection”)

·         Most state departments of motor vehicles, and

·         In the private sector – Comcast (desperately trying to rebrand their corporate image under the rather bizarre name – Xfinity (a reference, we think, to the amount of time it takes a customer to attain customer service)

Camp Two – all other bureaucracies.  By definition a bureaucracy, from its moment of conception, is on the path to Camp One status.  Otherwise, it would not be a bureaucracy.  The only objective of a bureaucrat is to ultimately belong to a Camp One bureaucratic organization.  Many attain this status (see above.)  All others strive to attain Camp One status but until you belong to a bureaucracy wherein you know for certain that someone else employed in the very same bureaucracy is doing the exact opposite of what you are supposed to be doing, you are still working at a Camp Two bureaucracy – shame on you.

Bureaucratic management update.  On February 1, 2012 TheFundamentals named Leon Panetta as America’s number one bureaucrat – Mr. Bureaucrat  (see:  http://thefundamentalsus.blogspot.com/2012/02/mr-bureaucrat.html )  The significance of this high honor cannot be understated.  Literally, one must spend an entire lifetime striving for such a vaunted position.  Leon’s resume reads like the script to a life of uncontrolled commitment to reaching Camp One enlightenment – no one knows what you are doing – few care – but you don’t care because you know that there can be no accountability for your actions or lack thereof.  But, Leon, be careful.  Hillary Clinton has her eyes of supplanting you – she wants that title (Ms. Bureaucrat) and she is very close to securing it.

Closing tip for all the Camp Two bureaucrats out there – if you are asking yourself, “Self, what can I do to get my bureaucracy to Camp One status while I can still enjoy it?” Here is your answer – screw up – as often as possible.  The bigger the screw up, the better.  The more visible the screw up, even better.  Try to involve the highest officials available – preferably top elected officials.  Then claim inadequate resources – inadequate authorizations – ask for more – resources (money, money, money) and authorizations (laws, rules, regulations, etc.)  It always works – and you will be on the road to Camp One status.  Or just hitch yourself to Hillary’s wagon – she knows the route.